Fact: when I was in my teenage years, I used to be made fun of at school because of my hair. I always knew I had inherited the ‘Greek curse’- thick, uncontrollable, frizzy, curly hair which I HATED and I had so many negative comments directed at me by the ‘popular’ kids at school such as: ‘bush,’ ‘afro’, ‘frizzy’.
People used to even request to touch my hair! It’s funny the things that still stay with you when you’re an adult. Therefore, I’ve always had a complex about it, amongst other things about myself. FYI, this was before straighteners, and a time when there was just gel and mousse to control this ‘bush’ on my head. In my older years, I used to beg my Auntie to iron my hair, just so I could look like everyone else. I always wanted thin, straight hair and always wondered why I was born with this. Fast forward to today, and nearly all the comments I receive now are: ‘you’re so lucky, you’ve got beautiful, thick hair, I wish my hair was like yours.’ So, how deep do we go with body image and self-confidence? Is how we view ourselves really a construct of others’ belief of us?
I STILL HAVE INSECURITIES
Even now, I still carry insecurities with me, I think everyone does. Besides my hair, there were two others; my teeth and my arms. All my life I wanted perfect, straight, white teeth. Because my teeth got more crooked as I got older, I skipped the part where every teenager got train tracks. Instead, I waited until I was 30 years of age to get braces (Invisalign). Probably the best thing I ever did and now my teeth are probably one of the things that I love most about my physical appearance.
The second insecurity I have always carried with me is my arms. Even as a kid I hated them. I got comments such as ‘butch’, ‘broad’, ‘big boned’ and ‘hamburger’ arms. One positive thing I do remember about them, was beating ALL the boys at arm wrestles in Primary school (even though they would still tell me: ‘Tash, you’ve got big arms’.) Admittedly, AT TIMES I still get conscious. I’ve been shouted at from cars by men in particular as I’ve been walking down the street casually minding my own business: ‘oi do you go gym?’ Or, ‘you’ve got a big upper body’. Because it’s something I’ve always been conscious of, it’s hard not to take comments such as these as negative. Only the other day I overheard 2 guys talking about me in the gym: ‘she would ruin you’. Again, it has been hard taking certain comments as compliments when it’s ingrained in you as a negative.
When I’m lean, my arms are my best feature as I hold a lot of muscle in my upper body. When I’ve put on weight, unfortunately it goes straight to my arms first! But hey ho, you can’t choose where you put bodyfat on. Not to mention when you’ve been a fitness competitor and got down to the lowest ever body fat percentage, it is at times hard not to long for that unhealthy physique again. Knowing that to get there you’ve had to become VERY unhealthy, you will always compare yourself to that.
But, how do we go about getting over our insecurities? How do we build our self-confidence?
FACTORS AFFECTING HOW YOU VIEW YOURSELF
This week, I did a bit of research and started reading some Psychology magazines and articles. A lot of how we view ourselves, is definitely based on our childhood. One Psychologist mentioned that how we view ourselves and our level of self-worth actually stems from how others view us e.g. their behaviour towards us and their comments. Furthermore, the comments we are surrounded with as we mature into teenagehood and adulthood. For example, if you’ve been brought up hearing your mum only ever talking about her body in a negative way, it is more likely this will also rub off on you in older age.
These are other interesting things I found out:
· Adolescent boys with high self-esteem are 2 and a half times more likely to initiate sex than boys with low self-esteem (Misetich and Delis-Abrams 2003)
· About 44% girls and 15% boys in High school are attempting to lose weight (Council on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse)
· 7/10 girls believe they aren’t good enough (Dove Self-esteem Fund 2008)
· A girl’s self-esteem is more strongly related to how she views her own body shape and body weight, than how much she actually weighs (Dove Self-Esteem Fund 2008)
· 90% women want to change at least 1 aspect of their physical appearance (Confidence Coalition)
· 81% of 10 year old girls are afraid of being fat (Confidence Coalition)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying men don’t have insecurities, but it seems based on the research, that women suffer more, especially with their bodies. Media such as celebrities and people on Instagram can really trigger people’s insecurities and may even instil negative feelings in people. Comparing yourself to others is the worst thing you can do.
WHEN MY BODY CONFIDENCE WAS AT ITS LOWEST:
Again, I will NEVER slate competing because it was such a big achievement for many reasons. However, it didn’t come without its consequences. Think about it this way, the whole purpose of bodybuilding as a sport is the fact you are JUDGED on your body and your body alone. How I viewed myself post show and the fact that I piled on shit loads of weight due to my Binge Eating, put me in the WORST mental space. Because you can’t beat that you are at your lowest body fat percentage combined with the fact that you only receive positive comments about your 6 pack and your arms when those comments stop post show, everything changes. When the hype has died down, when your body doesn’t look like that anymore, you realise you aren’t that person that people admire and want to look like. So, when I got really fat, I would be so self-conscious even when I ate in front of people, I questioned if I was even worthy enough to be in the fitness industry-that is how low I got. I even stopped posting any pictures of myself on social media because I was so anxious about what others would think. One thing that stuck in my head was when someone said to me: ‘Tash, when you die, no one is going to stand up and say they remember you for your 6 pack!’ Hahahaha. This certainly struck a chord in me ever since.
HOW TO BOOST YOUR BODY IMAGE AND SELF CONFIDENCE:
So, fast forward to now, I am in a good place; with my body and myself. However, especially my life after competing, it’s safe to say it took a LONG TIME. I accepted that my body was not going to look like how I looked on stage and I also accepted that my body and weight was going to change throughout my life, but I was in control of that. Some months I put on a bit of weight and other times it stays the same. But the reality is, our bodies are always changing and it does depend on your lifestyle and eating habits. Now, I will post every stage of my fitness journey; when I was at my biggest, when I was at my leanest, and what my body shape is now- NOW, being with NO LABELS.
So, one thing that really helped me recently was doing a fitness photoshoot NOT BEING SHREDDED. Because every photoshoot I’d ever experienced was when I was at a low bodyfat (either stage lean or on prep), I’d never really experienced what it would feel like to do one in my more meaty off season physique. Hands down it was the best thing I ever did. Not only did it mean I was worthy to do one in my normal body but it meant I didn’t just associate photoshoots with being super lean. Getting my hair and makeup done and looking at the pictures in my NORMAL physique filled me with confidence. Also, I always knew I never wanted to be LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FITNESS INDUSTRY. You know who I’m talking about; those who ONLY post lean physique photos. I like to think I keep it raw and real.
Here are some other things that have helped me build body confidence:
· Focusing on healthy eating rather than the number on a scales. If you feel good, your mind will thank you for it
· Avoiding tracking: just focusing on foods that make me feel good and eating healthily the majority of the time.
· Everyday reminding myself why I am worthy. Writing down the things I do like about my body.
· Training; I love it and it makes me feel good
· Not comparing myself to others and even unfollowing people that were making me feel shit
· Accepting compliments from others and not brushing them off
· Accepting myself
· Listening to podcasts that offer helpful reminders of how to improve body confidence
· Only surrounding myself with people that lift you up not bring you down
· Reading positive material and ignoring the bullshitters-I avoid listening to the news, I avoid reading articles about Kim K’s amazing weight loss (BECAUSE IT WAS DONE IN A BULLSHIT WAY). Instead:
· Focusing on myself and doing things that make me feel good: going for a walk and reading everyday
· Having self love and self care: whether it’s time alone by myself, doing a facemask etc
· Setting realistic goals and stop trying to be a perfectionist (even keeping some personal goals a secret)
· Exploring who I am and my true identity eg experimenting with new things, new hobbies, self awareness and a growth mindset. My bodybuilding career was NOT my only identity
· Reminding myself of my many other achievements and the positive qualities and values I have for myself and others
· Visualising my future successes; either writing these down or creating a vision board
IF YOU HAVE A HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM:
· You are less critical of yourself and others
· Better at handling stress
· Less likely to have an eating disorder
· Less likely to have negative feelings eg guilty, shame
· More likely to be assertive and expressive of what you want
· Have strong, honest relationships and more likely to have the guts to leave unhealthy ones
· More confident in making decisions
· More resilient and more willing to bounce back eg dealing with obstacles, rejections
The key thing to note is STOP WANTING TO BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Stop wanting what other people have in their physical appearance. STOP WANTING what they have in life. You don’t live their lives, so don’t be fooled by just the IG photos they post, that doesn’t tell you the whole story. If you want to lose weight, lose weight, if you’re happy with the way you are, embrace it. Just focus on everything that makes you feel good. Bin the guilt and shame, stop looking in the mirror saying you are disgusting and ugly and fat, focus on ways to improve your relationship with yourself and strive to better yourself for YOU not for anyone else.
Want to build your self-confidence?
DM me on IG: @natashakostalas
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