This is going to be another one of those posts where I tell you things about me that will shock you. Things I could never admit to people in person, probably because when I reflect back on this particular time where my binge eating was at its peak, some of these I can laugh about now but others I cringe at, some I’m ashamed of, and some I still surprise myself with, the shame snaking its way through my entire being. For me, journaling and writing down my thoughts has always proved to be a better way of me expressing myself, better than saying them out loud. So here they are; my binge eating secrets revealed.
Sadly, Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D) still remains that taboo that people rarely talk about enough in the fitness industry, yet so many individuals especially those in the fitness industry suffer in silence, hide it, or fail to admit they carry it with them. The fact is, I had Binge Eating Disorder before I competed in 2019. It went away and then came back with a vengeance. Today’s blog post is merely to enlighten you on what it was like to live with it, to share with you those shameful things that I did- you might want to call it my Confession time. Although redemption has long past, I hope it reminds you that we are all human and if this sounds like you, then there is hope that one day you will change. It is fundamentally about awareness, about listening to your body in ways you haven’t before and taking small steps of recovery, recovery of which is possible.
Talking about my history with B.E.D if I psychoanalyse myself is for another blog post, I just wanted today’s one to enlighten you on how bad it was, and how bad it is for many people who live with it. The important thing is to recognise that this is not a normal way of eating, nor is it the right way of living. It really can take its toll on you physically and mentally and especially what it does to your self -confidence and esteem is something you will only ever understand if you’ve experienced it.
SOME FACTS ON B.E.D
Recently after more reading around this subject, these were a few things that caused me to feel a wide range of feelings and ponder a hell of a lot of thoughts:
· 23% people with B.E.D attempt suicide-certainly scary but also understandable that having any type of eating disorder can potentially ruin your life and drive you down a pit of despair
· Technically you’re someone classed with B.E.D if you binge at least once a week on average and consume 1500 or more calories in a short period of time eg 2 hours combined with a loss of control over your eating. Frequency is very important. With recovery though, it is important to minimise these before you eliminate them.
· It was not recognised as a mental health disorder until 2013 This I find unbelievable and very unacceptable. Now I understand why B.E.D and D.E (Disordered Eating) is never really spoken about as much as anorexia nervosa and bulimia.
· Normally a formal diagnosis of B.E.D is made 3 years after symptoms Based on the many podcasts I’ve listened to, I’m not surprised because it certainly entwines with feelings of shame and denial.
· 58% adults who do CBT are expected to fully recover (good to know)
· 50% risk of having this disorder is genetic This one shocked me the most. Except now I really understand why I am the way I am and I will reveal more about why as you read further down.
MY SECRETS
So here they are, some of which I have NEVER revealed to anyone:
· Once, I was late to meet a friend because I was busy spending too long in a shop buying too many items to prepare for my binge eating session on the way. (Obviously I made up an excuse as to the real reason I was late). I arrived to see this friend and claimed I wasn’t hungry (I really wasn’t after I stuffed my moosh with everything I bought).
· Hiding wrappers under the bin. I was so ashamed if people knew how much I really had eaten, I would hide chocolate wrappers either at the bottom of the bin or take some items off the bottom of the bin and cover them. I was so paranoid that others would see inside and judge how much I had eaten (all in my head of course - no one really looks inside a bin when they chuck stuff away)
· Stealing other people’s food. When I went through my jaffa cake phase I started buying my own box and another for my partner, simply because 1 box to share wasn’t enough for me. Because he’s not accustomed to binge eating and never has been, after a week of his remaining in the cupboard, I started on his box. I may have left 3 in a double packed box-in my head leaving 3 was better than consuming all 24 cakes. All I heard was his yell from the kitchen ‘who’s been eating my jaffa cakes?!’ in a comical way. I hid into my sofa shielding my face from the embarrassment. Early on in my teaching career I may or may not have once stolen a Kitkat left by one of my students on their desk at the end of a lesson…shameless.
· Replacing foods. Things like jam and peanut butter would be replaced in a matter of 2 days after binges, so it looked as if it was the same jar. I would ensure to buy the exact same brand the next day.
· Offering to clean up so I could stuff myself more. Offering to do something nice like doing the boring job of emptying and loading the dishwasher after dinner or putting food away was more for the selfish reason of eating more in secret. Deliberately making a noise with the dishes to camouflage the noise of wrappers and packets also ensued-running a tap for no reason was another way of shielding the noise of the wrappers and my crunching sounds (LOL).
· Eating while walking down the street Avoiding eating in front of people and breaking bits off a bar of chocolate or rice cake so no one would see me chewing is another very common trait of binge eaters. The secrecy is associated with the shame. Once (maybe more than once) I purchased 2 packets of rice cakes (6 in each pack) and ate them on a walk to my car. They were gone by the time I reached my car. I even felt ashamed of anyone seeing me eat if I was parked at traffic lights so would sit the snacks on my lap.
· Hiding food in the boot of my car or bottom of my rucksack. Again, if its not common knowledge that these items exist, no one would ever know right? I have even gone as far as hiding certain binge items in the baking cupboard of my kitchen, just because I know no one would ever open that particular cupboard…which of course meant all for me.
· Lying about what I’d eaten in a day. If I was on my way to someone’s house and I was offered food, I’d probably reject it and when probed on what I’d had that day, I’d only tell the main meals that were consumed, not what I’d binged on.
· Eating in my car. The worst memory of all the many times I secretly ate in my car was a few weeks after my second show in 2019. I had the urge to drive to the M+S on the A10 and purchased a whole entire Rainbow Cake. I ate the majority of it until I felt very sick. Then, I got a bin bag and chucked the remainder in it, mashing it up with a fork. I may or may not have had more an hour or so later even though it looked unappealing (cringe and gross). Manners are non-existent for binge eaters.
· Thinking about vomiting it all up but not having the guts. This is terrible to say, but many times I wished I was bulimic so I could vomit up everything I had binged on. Since having a fear of vomiting since childhood, I have never had the guts to do it. This shows how logic does not play a part in a binge eater’s mind.
· Making a cake for someone and eating the majority of it even after promising to save them some. What can I say, binge eating makes you incredibly selfish and often you never want to share food. I had to make another exact replica cake because I only thought of feeding myself.
· Waiting until the house was empty to eat more food in secret-again secrecy means it never happened.
· Making excuses to go to the shops. I would seriously look like a criminal about to rob a bank when I would purchase at least 3 items in preparation for a binge session to eat quickly in my car. Again, drives to the petrol station ‘to get petrol’ were a common excuse and I would look shifty waiting in line to pay because I was so worried other strangers were looking at what I was purchasing.
A PERSONAL STORY
So it’s nearly been a year since my Dad had 3 heart attacks and thankfully survived. What came out of this devastating situation was his admittance to us (me and Anton) at the age of 30 and 32, his kids, that he had been a binge eater his whole life. I knew my Dad had an issue with food simply because he was always overweight, I just never knew the severity of it, or even the seriousness of his disordered eating. His own wife would tell us how most nights she would wake up to an empty bed and all she would hear were the sounds of him raiding the kitchen cupboards and eating anything and everything as quickly as possible. Again, I will never know how true it is that B.E.D is genetic but all I remember is my dad always lying to my mum about what he’d eaten, hiding food and replacing food-for my mum to realise that his replacements were not the exact same packaging and we would always simply laugh it off when the story was retold.
The truth is, B.E.D should never be taken lightly, it is a serious eating disorder. So much emphasis and awareness is on people with bulimia and anorexia, but not many people know much about B.E.D and D.E. What do all of these behaviours have in common? B.E.D turns you into a person you don’t recognise: a deceitful, secretive, devious, selfish individual. You learn to hide things and lie without hesitation to the people closest to you, even if you are not a liar. I can’t even express the serious guilt you feel the next day when you wake up stuffed or sick, lethargic, sweating in the night and staring at everything in the bin. The shame and guilt sticks with you for days until the next binge and you are in a whirlpool of disaster.
IS THERE A LIFE AFTER B.E.D?
B.E.D and D.E. CAN get better. It is a very slow and steady process that sometimes takes many many years to recover from. It’s about small steps; minimising and eventually eliminating binges. It is about avoiding trigger foods for a while. It is about not focusing on losing weight, but focusing on eating to satiation and with a good eating structure. By that I mean, high protein with every meal, lots of green veggies and feeling satisfied all the time. But of course, this is for another post.
Just remember, I am not an expert in the field, I just wanted to share with you today what it was like to live with it. Always seek help from a professional. If any of what I have told you today resonates with you, then get on Spotify and listen to the Breaking Up With Binge Eating podcast-trust me, it has helped me so much and even now, I listen to it as a reminder.
IG: @natashakostalas
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